I realize that I am what is euphamistically referred to as a ‘late-in-life’ parent whose own childhood is quite a ways behind her, but I hadn’t realized quite how much things had changed in the intervening decades until I entered the world of Children’s Birthday Parties.

Cue ‘Twilight Zone Theme’

When I was a kid a birthday party involved going over to the birthday boy or girl’s house, present in hand, playing Pin The Tail on the Donkey (seriously) and eating way too much cake made from a mix and store brand ice cream. All I want to know is: What Happened????

Now you need a venue for the party, unless you are lucky enough to have either a house that will hold an entire preschool class plus parents and siblings or a kid whose birthday falls in the summer, in which case a park with a good playground is adequate, at least until elementary school. These days birthday parties have elaborate themes. There are entire online businesses devoted to supplying their customers with everything one might need, all just a mouse click away. My favorite enticement: “Order Now, Pay Nothing for Three Months!!!” Excuse me, is this a kid’s birthday party, or am I buying a car here? There is even one business that specializes in toddler birthday parties - talk about a niche market. And the (mother of the) birthday child is supposed to supply gift bags for each guest, filled with lovely prizes. Oh, and parties for older children also require the services of an entertainer of some kind like a magician, someone who paints faces and makes balloon animals or the Reptile Man (again, seriously).

I don’t think I’m ready for this.

The Cupcakes’ Official Toddler Birthday Party is on Sunday morning. Wish me luck. Please.